Work it like a weekend warrior! And if its clearly just conversation, (and you want to participate further) offer up something else, My Kid: No (shuts door) Even though Ive done the layering myself, I dont usually hear it as an attempt to give me all possible puts. N- New adventure. So, when I do this I really am trying to get a feel for whether a busy people-pleaser like my Sis actually has time to do something on Saturday, rather than outright asking from the start and leading to her twisting herself into a pretzel trying to free up that specific block of time for me because she doesnt want to say no, Reading the LWs feelings about this situation and the comments, I can totally understand why someone would hate being asked in this way and why it might make it harder for some people to refuse something they dont want to do after theyve said theyre free, but Im still not quite sure what the solution is when dealing with someone who usually *does* seem to treat invitations as subpoenas. Its totally true that you can opt out of those things. It is a question that can be answered or echoed and nobody minds too much. Bonus points if you say something that makes zero sense, but you end up getting your family to look at you like a genius anyway. Weekend is like God's blessing! The Captain covered it with saying the question isnt going away. And just because my plans dont include hanging out with anyone or leaving my home, it doesnt mean that I am free or willing to cancel them. Oh god then you might need to find less-jerky friends, probably. Also, I dont expect that the LW is bothered by every person who casually asks this question; Im sure they can tell when someone is just making chit chat vs someone who is interested in spending time together. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. And I think for online dating purposes Im going to assume #2 unless I get significant evidence otherwise. Also my spouse and I have given each other full permission to use the other one as an excuse whenever needed. I say nothing much and the other person responds, yeah, its nice to be lazy sometimes, right? And I dont want to get into how no, its not lazy to need time to recuperate and our society puts too much pressure on needing to be constantly productive and not respect ourselves as people. And then I would walk away thinking that was a really awkward conversation and wonder if that person didnt like me or was fishing for an invitation to something or what. Going to mars where children don't ask questions. Accompany your morning treating with a Halloween wish. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. I know people who mean well dont like hearing this, but I think that its important for people who mean well to also consider how the people they interact with might feel, so I consider this type of information to be useful to anyone who truly wants others to feel welcomed and comfortable. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. Hence the claim some of your time, or even the if youre available as a way to say, you have to have solid plans if youre going to tell me no; you cant just say you dont want to do it.. I dont have any good answers because that particular form of domestic abuse excessively leaning on the partner for a deluge of small things to the point it is messing up the partners life is pandemic in American culture right now, nearly always but not always done by men to women. Its harder to say if someone doesnt do their fair share of emotional labor, or figuring out their fair share of chores if theyre not physically or mentally able to do the same amount as you. You're very welcome. 4. The person is saying something factually incorrect. Okay, how would that be couched in terms of a lease you would give to another renter? You're not obligated to tell others your plans for the future, if you even have them. Aunt: Are you doing anything this weekend? Sometimes I think if Im going to make something up it might as well be along the lines of going to the moon or whatever. If not, then they'll just think you're being cheeky, which of course, you are. Im actually really surprised at how many people have expressed that they find this question neutral small talk and/or dont understand why it can feel so loaded. (Whether there will be some negative family fallback I dont know). There is no need to think about what they're up to or why they sent you the . eh, my mother does that. Im also self employed and use a similar excuse. I get annoyed when family members pose the invitation as Youre coming to Grans on Saturday, right? To which Im like, Uh, whats happening on Saturday? And they stare at me like Im a monster for not knowing it was Sallys third step daughters cousins middle school graduation theyre celebrating on Saturday. Good, looks like the flowers are coming out (in Spring) Others also have lives to plan and need to know (cancel event, find someone else, make other plans). Absolutely, this too. Unhelpful? is how this has been explained to me, and it makes perfect sense. that kind of thing), whereas work is seen as almost virtuous, as my family holds work/money in high regard, and my hours are unusual enough that no one can remember what they are. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. 3. Since "doing" is an action verb, we need to use the adverb "well" to describe that action. For me, it makes saying no so much harder. It can be all consuming, leaving no time for askers invitations or request, or totally flexible and cancellable if there is something you would like to do. I also dont hesitate to tell people, Id have to check my calendar, what about you? in response to this kind of question! When a friend asks and I find out that I am busy I often offer some other day to show them that I am interested in hanging out with them. Im asking because you absolutely will pay for it in terms of impacts on the long-term relationship with the person she will become. Hmm, just tried re-creating my original comment and thats not showing up either. You absolutely can. To contact our editors please use our contact form. Good luck! Oh, yes, white supremacy/racism in action. The asker might want the invitee to give some input on what theyd like to do, but thats not the same as expecting them to do all the planning. Theres always some kind of obligation, because theyre my parents and I love them and I want to honor what theyve done for me in giving me a great life. A friend tricked me into agreeing to babysit her kid once using exactly that so what are you doing on X day approach. You went out and you didnt even invite me? he said, Well I asked you if you had plans and you said you were doing homework! Well yeah, because I had no other plans at that time because you did not indicate to me that there were any other options! If you both talk about what to do in the garden (I know you probably dont own one, its an example), is it a conversation like I want to plant radishes Well, I want to plant flowers Fine, then we plant one half with flowers of your choice and one half with radishes and everyone waters everything? Or you pretend to suddenly get involved in learning new cooking recipes, or working on your car, or doing competitive chess, or something that isnt a once-a-month kind of hobby. Other commenters have given great scripts. Similar boundary setting but this is a different angle. Just ask! She didnt have other plans; she just wanted to draw a line in the sand about him telling her what to do. There are also times my kid can ask for help, and *I* dont get to say, eh, no, Id rather read a book. Not if I want to consider myself her family. I get the friendly sentiment, but its not always welcome and people would do well to use more discretion. They are called Saturday and Sunday." - Anonymous 3. And found myself saying yes more often than I wanted to. That said, I tend to think the person asked, they can damn well deal with the answer. If youre female and you answer, and then he decides your time sounds like it should be at his disposal and asks for a date, and you dont want to go, now youre stuck in that ugly probabilistic space where various sorts of threats, anger, and violence may be coming at you. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. Can we not with passing judgement on the validity of the LWs feelings about this phrase? My cousins with kids are trying to push their 8-12 year olds on me to tutor them and Im like 1. Flying in a rocket ship. You always say Im working on my crochet projects this weekend. leaving them vulnerable to all kinds of predation as teens and young adults. I feel like my best friend and I do this back and forth a lot, but thats because we understand there are tiers to plans. One morning when we were together he asked, So what are your plans for tonight? I said, Oh I dont know. Oh yes, this! I think feeling unsafe crosses the line where a relationship cant be repaired. Source: Facebook. "That is very thoughtful of you, it was a nice weekend.". Its okay if I dont want to share the details of what Im reading with coworkers. But I think often we like to pretend that there are no such tradeoffs, and thats not helpful in the real world. Sometimes your lover or friend may forget to send you a morning text. Improve your attitude toward your family." - Bo Bennett 4. This is absolutely true; it IS rude to put someone on the spot like that. They also influence how OFTEN. 14 "It was a riot! As a little anecdote my ex-husband and I had just started attending a new ward in his church when a guy our age wed chatted with a few times asked us what we were doing on Halloween. Never trust Calvin, even if you see Hobbes! OMG yes! Im glad its not a way to get rid of someone/blow them off without saying so. Im working on this myself. Had it been a long time since shed asked him? Part of it for me, too, is that a lot of my free time is devoted to managing my anxiety and physical issues (that I dont talk about at work) and I feel pressured to always have a good weekend. Here's a more thorough list of things Siri manages to do well most of the time: Making a call / Facetime. Your feelings are your own and it sounds like What are you doing this weekend? has reached a point where hearing the question adds a ton of negativity to the interaction for you, which might be where this response is coming from? Once we own that, and stop feeling guilty, etc., it becomes easier to seize the power, and it becomes easier to think of what we ARE going to say. There were several problems that led to the death of that relationship, but communication (on both sides) was for sure one of them. LW here. Its a lot easier (for me anyway) to answer when I know what Im answering. Im relearning advanced math as an adult because it seems fun and Im bitter that I grew up in an atmosphere that discouraged me from learning. B: Cool. I have learned over my decade plus of retail experience that the key to small talk that doesnt annoy people is to feel out what they seem excited to talk about. and get back to work.) Mild office small talk is fine with me, and I have a few coworkers who may become friends. Im lucky because any plans for the weekend? questions are just small talk (i.e. Him: Doing anything else? Rock the anger, LW. And if I run into but surely you dont need BOTH days to yourself? Im also prepared to retort with something like, Maybe you dont, but Im very excited for two days to decompress. We should hang out sometime soon! Is something I expect people to either reply yeah that would be fun or ignore/tell me theyre swamped but wish they could do as a no. If people volunteer that theyre from somewhere far away whether they have a recognizable accent or not I might ask what made them choose this tiny place to move to. Are you me? And we do have fun and hang out occasionally. . Once upon a time I had a friend. I dont remember why anymore but at some point I agreed to share my google calendar with this friend. I think the idea at first was to make it easier to plan hangouts. I wish that just once I had the wherewithal to respond to a manipulative invitation like LW describes with the classic Phoebe Buffet line: Oh, I wish I could, but I dont want to.. Im pretty thoughtful about when I feel Im entitled to expect her participation, and when Im not. I have myself been asked that question when relatives have been looking for a babysitter so that is why it especially resonated with me. (This could be walked back but it would require a decent amount of active displays of interest in me from the other person.). Do you have time to talk?" "What Are You Up To?" Can Be a Way to Ask "Are You Busy?" Here's another example: Jana: Hi Rob, how are you? If she has problems with overbearing family, then she needs to learn how to deal with overbearing family, but shes still gonna have to function at People Interactions 101, which includes whatre you doing this weekend., Its actually amazing how much supposedly required stuff you can avoid doing by just not doing it (sadly depending on your level of privilege; Im speaking from a white cis-woman perspective). Like, if you say you have nothing really planned, and you get asked to babysit or on a date, are you actually okay saying Sorry, cant this time? I clean up nice, don't I. I absolutely support you insisting on it and tossing her out on her ear if she doesnt want to. Or I personally feel really pressured by the question simply because it puts me in the position of having to say yes or no before I even know what Im saying yes or no to. single. Answer accordingly. If I always have to be the one reaching out, that can feel either like the emotional and planning labor are being taken for granted, or like they dont actually care whether they see me. 1. We can debate all day whether that should be true, but it is. Answer vaguely. Yeah, I ask this of people because Im making conversation! I understand that theyre just trying to be friendly and make small talk but it still feels invasive. I used to feel guilty about that until I framed it in my mind that its disingenuous to ask about my weekend as entrapment instead of asking me an honest question. And when I say angling, it might not be in a cornering way. This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list. Lessons in Love from Julia Roberts Movies true tho like next t inme ill say this and it will. I make it about my feelings for a bunch of reasons. When you are waiting for the Good morning text. The problem with these is that the aforementioned cousin who wants you to babysit may treat your I dont know as nothing at all, I have zero excuses. You need to know your audience, but it does work well for the nosy-only requests. No matter what I say its, okay, well I was just gonna see if you wanted to [actual invitation / request]. I shall think on why. Or, if I tell a potential date some generic things (oh, probably reading and writing a lot) and add that Id like to take a break so they know Im open, Im engaging in the same coy behavior thats bothering me in the first place. I am on the spectrum, so I would anxiety-spiral about whether, once again, I missed a basic social skill everyone else learned in kindergarten. , I am in a cat trance. The thing about she is family, and I expect family to do X is: Who decides what is necessary, when is it necessary, and who needs to do it? Anyway, the grad students said one woman asked, How do you think she got like that? and others nodded with pursed lips, agreeing that there was something wrong there. In fact, you probably have all of these thoughts when a guy asks, "What are you doing this weekend?". And my mom thought I was like the most studious kid ever, because I knew that if I ever looked like I had free time, she would fill it with chores, so I always had some kind of project to work on (I did have the grades to back this up or it wouldnt have worked). Detailing the event and a specific date is best. How are you? I use this regularly, as does most of my social group. But I think its disingenuous? What about you?. I think it would be helpful for folks to give LW the benefit of the doubt that she/he is not taking the time to write in to an advice column over very simple coworker small talk questions. 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